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Assuage reminds me of when I used to assume things and Dad would tell me, “You know what assuming does to you and me…” I pretended not to know what it did to anyone, so that maybe Dad would justify cursing at me, essentially. Somehow, I felt as if that would give me the advantage in the argument I was likely losing.

Someone was assuaging in the Ryan’s Life of Christ book (WARNING: This book causes instant sleepiness upon literary engagement. Proceed with great caution; read in a safe place; bring edible sustenance, like oranges) and I didn’t know what she was doing, or maybe it was he. It could be that Jesus was assuaging! If that’s the case, then it would certainly benefit me to know what He was up to.

It seemed to me that, much like the assumptions that come with assuming, assuage might have something to do with the use of a particular, unnamed body part. Could that really be; would Jesus ever share such information with His people? That can’t be it, I concluded. I know Jesus, and Jesus would never overshare.

As I search for context surrounding all of this assuaging business, I find that my mystery word is doing whatever it’s doing on behalf of a subject which is usually emotive in nature. Greif, hunger, anger, and fear are all getting the assuagement of a lifetime. I’m not privy to those things, per say, so if assuaging does away with the less desirable things in life, I just might be warming up to the idea of having an assuager around.

Or maybe even serving in the position of worldwide assuager, solving emotive dysfunctions around the globe. Before I get carried away, I’m drawn begrudgingly to the fullness of the word. Gentleness and peace makeup the aura of an assuager. She is mild and calm, brings relief and appeal to things of an undesirable nature. Her personality is soothing, soft, lovely. And the icing on the cake: the polar opposite of assuage is intensify.

I shake my fist at all notions of assuage in the aftermath of this horrible news. I’ll show you uh-swayj! As my own personal assuagement settles in, I concede to the lesser position of sausager. Same letters, antonymic meaning. For all those who have  been victims of overbearing assuagement, there is relief, so to speak. Contact your nearest sausager and discover the intensity of life you’ve been missing.

That’ll be my business pitch.

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